Change for the better: Part 5
'Fat Kitty or Matryoshka Doll?' drawing, I'm not too pleased with the result. Whilst I think the different elements add up better than they did in last drawing, I feel the colours are too dreary. I'll probably try brightening our frighteningly grey skin colour, perhaps scrap the beige knit I'm wearing and go for something cheerful, I don't know.
The cold weather and early darkness are definitely not motivational in any way. I live in an old building with shitty isolation so staying nice and cozy can be a bit tricky when you're sitting still. And lord knows I love to sit still!
So I spent 3 weekends straight doing nothing at all with my free time. On Sunday evening I would be sitting at my mom's kitchen table, looking at all sorts of DIY projects on Pinterest, telling my mom about all the things I was planning on doing next weekend and it just left me feeling so disappointed in myself. I was on such a roll and then boom it all kind of collapsed like a bad pastry, and before I knew it I was back in a vicious circle.
One of the things I've learned after losing my dad and dealing with the many emotions that come with grief, is that when it comes to how you feel, there is no black and white. No definite yes or no. One day I'll wake up feeling pretty darn awesome about myself and my creative endeavors, and the next I just want to stay in my jammies and sulk some, feeling like I'm back to square one. And that right there, feels like a whole new failure, too. Because making a shitty drawing is shitty, but not doing anything at all is perhaps what frightens me most. Which is paradoxical considering the fact that this fear I feel is so paralysing I end up glued to my couch.
The more I think about it, the more I start to realise I need to let go. I hold on to so much anger and sadness in daily life and not only does it wreak havoc in my head, it's probably why I bite my lip, scratch my nail folds (I never knew that had a name by the way - it's the part where the side of your nail meets the skin) and clench my jaw in my sleep. I have briefly thought about breathing exercises or yoga or whatever a while ago but perhaps I need to look into it again. I'll add it up to my list of things to do.
Sorry for the banter, I'm pretty sure this post reads like a grammatically correct version of Doge's internal monologue, but for now, that's the best my hungover head can do.
See you all next weekend!
(Or on Instagram, where you will find pictures of cats and jammies, mostly.)
Labels: change for the better